No one knows..

Alright, it's been a while and I know I don't have followers so it doesn't really matter anyway. I've been debating on posting this blog for a long time now and I can't hold it in anymore. 

I'm a very insecure person to be honest. I've never really been proud of myself or loved myself completely. I'm concerned with what people think/say about me and I very often find myself paranoid in public when people are laughing and happen to look in my direction. With that said, I guess it could all be a misunderstanding but I doubt it because it's been going on too long for it not to be.

I have only seen one of my friends once this summer. I saw, of course through Facebook, that the rest of the group of my friends have been hanging out a lot over this summer. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be invited to every single thing that happens.. But I'm seriously getting the message that I am the unwanted friend. The friend people are friends with because they feel bad for me. 

I came to this conclusion after one of my friends grandmas passed away. We had a group text from another to let us know. We thought it'd be nice if we all attended the ceremony to support our friend during the hard time. I waited for the time and place for the viewing to come through the group message as it was still undecided by the family. I never received the text and found the following day,also on Facebook, that the ceremony had already occurred and my friend thanked those who went on our group page. Now I don't know who all went out of our group but I had no idea what happened. It hurt. A lot. When I get hurt, I'm more of a suffer in silence kind of person. I've just stayed quiet since then really. And that was early June. It is now mid August and I have heard nothing from anyone. Not a hello.. Nothing, except from the one friend I saw once, for lunch.. And I didn't really want to bring it up then. 

Somehow I have said something or done something wrong to piss everyone off. If one of you read all of this and you think I'm wrong or I'm misunderstanding something will you let me know? Please just say something to me.. Because as of right now I don't feel like I have any of you anymore. I'm dead to the world and it hurts to feel so alone. 

The insanely short amount of time it takes for summer to go by

Summer is flying by.
I did pass my Calculus class that I was so concerned about. WITH A B!
I did pass my final test at the fire station. WITH AN A!
I turned 19 and my awesome room mate surprised me by driving to my house from San Antonio! 
Walker comes down in a little over a week, I'm very happy and excited for that! We have lots planned.
School starts soon and I'll be moving in with my room mate into our new apartment in College Station! AHHH! This whole growing up thing is happening too fast!
This whole summer is going by too fast.

I don't want it to end!

A New Title

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I have been taking a rookie class at the Volunteer Fire Station down the street from my house. My dad was a volunteer for the same station for about 22 years. He ended his career there in 2007 or 2008. Needless to say, I'm not necessarily new to the station. Many of the people I grew up around are still volunteering.

Last Saturday was our first skills training day, a day where we take the trucks out to the local high school and practice what we've learned. The temperature when we first arrived at about 8:00am was already reaching into the high 80's with 87% humidity and it was cloudy. As the day went on those clouds drifted away and the sun was shining bright by high noon. It only got hotter. For those of you who have never tried on bunker gear, it is heavy and it is hot. When you are in full PPE, you are unable to feel even the slightest bit of a breeze. It can get very uncomfortable very fast. First, we created a makeshift roof using 3 beams and plywood, setting it up at an angle to practice using the roof ladder while we practice vertical ventilation. Vertical ventilation allows us to let the heat rise out of the house through the roof, essentially cooling the inside a bit while it is still on fire. There's definitely a noticeable difference in temperature inside of the structure once this is done correctly. Anyway, we practiced climbing on the roof ladder to cut a ventilation hole using a chainsaw and later on chopping into the roof with an ax. This was my first time actually participating in training as an actual rookie. The instructors around me were the people I grew up around. Many of them were shocked at my ability to get the job done as quickly as I did. They helped me out with pointers and suggestions as they did with all of the other trainees and cheered me on. Every once in a while someone would say to me "Don't let those boys beat you! Show them how it's done!" and I did. I showed those guys how to put a halligan through a roof and cut that damn vent! It was fun.

When the day was over I continuously received uplifting and congratulatory comments on my work through the heat and humidity of the day. During the following class on Tuesday, we went through our powerpoint going over the types of buildings and the building materials we will run into. At the end of class Captain Johnson, our instructor, reminded us that there would be someone in the class who would be chosen to become the Class Captain. Another Captain brought up 2 red helmets which signify Captain and Lieutenant statuses. Captain Johnson first called the person who received the title of Captain saying that he was very impressed with his effort throughout skills day and his encouragement of everyone else. The newly named Class Captain turned in his black helmet for the red one, leaving the second red helmet unclaimed. After a few words he called my name, giving me the title of Class Lieutenant. Growing up in the fire station, my dad was a captain for a while. I did not expect this in the slightest so soon. To be given this title so soon is not only really exciting, but it's a huge honor and I'm not going to make him regret choosing me as Class Lieutenant. 

It's more than just a red helmet... It's a world of responsibilities. Promoted to Class Lieutenant tonight. Couldn't be more honored or proud to be doing what I'm doing. Thank you.

Keeping it short and sad.

Lately I've been in a rather deep rut that I'm having trouble getting out of. I don't know what it is or what exactly has brought this on but it's been going on for a while now and I am more than ready to get out of it.

Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's anxiety. I haven't the slightest idea. It's like all of the sudden I have come down with a serious case of depression or something. I'm always tired, I honestly don't remember the last time I can say I was happy all day long, I don't have much motivation to do anything. I've been feeling ridiculously lonely during all of this as well. I received awesome news this past week and I hardly reacted to it. The fact that I've bummed so much lately (so much so, to the point where not even getting into the college program that I've been wanting to get into excites me) makes me even more bummed. It's a vicious cycle and I need to figure out how to break it.

I'm asking for help... please help me? I want my old, happy self back.

I'm lost.
I'm scared.
I need help.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I want to be happy again.

I'm just your average girl.

Starstruck!

Aight, so I'm not super awesome at keeping this deal updated. It makes for more interesting and exciting posts though right?
Since my last post... I've been to all of my doctors appointments. Everything came up fine and dandy. Cancer free! 
My thyroid is still larger than average but the doc says that it's just big. Nothing wrong with it for now. I have 4 little nodules settled in on each side of my thyroid. I hope they stay happy in their little home because I'd rather not have to go through another biopsy. Having a large needle stuck in your throat 5 times with your head cocked back to where it pretty much rests under your shoulder blades is not the most comfortable position to be in. Especially when you don't have a giraffe's neck or you don't just happen to be a contortionist. 

The first few classes at the fire station have been interesting/ entertaining so far. We were issued our shitty, old, worn out training bunker gear. Finding every piece that fit properly was an adventure in and of itself, that's for sure! Now, each class we have to take our gear upstairs with us and if someone rings the bell we stop, drop, and roll  whatever we are doing and have to put it all on in under 2 minutes. Which, not to toot my own horn, is fairly easy for me seeing as I've been playing around in bunker gear since I was little. So station life is going well.

On May 18th, I flew to South Carolina to spend some much needed time with this awesome guy. Since I had missed his birthday I brought a few gifts with me. 3 puzzles from myself, which he figured each one out in no time, weirdo, as well as a very interesting, and funny bathroom reader from my parents which also contained money. It briefly discusses random scientifically studies that the government likes to spend millions of dollars on. Some of them are absolutely hysterical.

I had a wonderful total of 10 days with him. We visited some of his friends, hung around with his parents, baked some pretzels (yummy!), got crafty and made things, fixed a car's brakes... well, that was mostly him and we spent time on the lake. I purchased a 7-day South Carolina fishing license, and for some reason that excites me. I just think it's cool! Don't judge me. I caught my first 2 fish ever! A blue gill and a perch. No, I did not eat them. 

Memorial day, we went tubing and water skiing. Both of which I found very entertaining to watch as well as participate in.

Crazy Memorial Day picture... just because!

Walker water skiing

 

That's me tubing!

Unfortunately, our time together had to end. Of course I cried and am still working on cheering up from leaving, but I don't regret any moment at all. Spending time with him was my main concern on the trip and that was well covered. We are trying to work something out so that we can see each other again before the summer ends.

Since I have returned home, I've finally decided which route I will be taking in college. I will be receiving a degree in "University Studies" in the College of Architecture with a minor in Business and Art, concentrating on either traditional or digital media. After completing the 4 year program, I will continue schooling through their Masters program which turns out is the program that is sending their students to Disney and Pixar. I no longer have to deal with the stress of attempting to get into an extremely competitive program with very limited spots that even some of the most talented people are rejected from. There are other ways to get where I want to be which was a big issue in my mind not too long ago. I was convinced that there was only one way to get there and that there was no way I would ever be able to make it through. I've proved myself wrong and I am oh so glad that I did!

I was also reunited with my college room mate for the weekend. We've been away from each other for a month and we were both starting to realize how much we actually missed one another. We went to George Strait's last Texas Concert of his last Tour! It was definitely a rather significant moment in Texas Country Music History. We were able to adventure around back stage and oh my gosh it was so exciting even if we did get off to a rough start to the day. 

We arrived at the Alamodome about an hour early. Well, outside it was sunny and about 93 degrees with high humidity. Everyone was sweating buckets. When they eventually opened the gates we decided to go stand in line for shirts knowing that they would ALL be gone if we didn't snag them before the concert. Going from the heat outside into a sardine type situation in a smaller area where they were selling the shirts was not the best of ideas considering I had not eaten anything. Our plan was to grab our shirts and then go get food. Plans changed. All I remember was feeling really hot, then thirsty, my ears started ringing, then I couldn't see so I leaned against Mollie and the next thing I know, I'm being held up by my room mate and some complete strangers. I freaking passed out. Some lady shoved a piece of gum in my mouth and another lady was feeding me skittles. Another man came to me and carried me to a less crowded corner where I could actually breathe. They brought a wheelchair out and wheeled me off to first aid where I pretty much just sat around until I was feeling better. I'm extremely thankful for my room mate and the people around me who helped. 

Poor Mollie. All 3 times that I've ever passed out have been with her. She's such a sweetheart. I felt horrible and still do because we weren't able to grab any shirts.. gee, good thing she's a family friend of George Strait's. They can just run to the warehouse not far from their house and get some. I have some of the coolest friends ever. Over all the concert was amazing, and while we were back stage I met George's son and we even saw Miranda Lambart. Both of us freaked about that. Apart from passing out, I had a great time.

Myself and Mollie after THE Cowboy rode away!

My Calculus class starts tomorrow at the local Community College and then I'm having dinner with my softball coaches. I'll have to update everyone on how that goes as well!

I am exhausted.

I am still crazy busy this summer!

I should be going to bed, it's 2AM.

I just had to write about it all!

I am just your average girl!

Well, I've done it!

I'm a probie!
For those of you who don't know what that is, I'm a probational fire fighter aka a rookie. I may be mopping floors and doing the handy work/grunt work around the station for a while but that's just how life goes in a station. You get to participate in training and such but you have to work your way to the top! I start on the 14th and I'm incredibly excited. I've been told that rookie classes take about 3 months to complete at the station I am volunteering for. That's basically the whole summer, but the whole reason I'm volunteering is to see if this is what I really want to pursue as a career! So this will be my test run. My summer JUSTstarted today and it looks like I'm already crazy busy with it!

So lets see...

May 13th- Doctor's appointment for thyroid
May 14th- First day of rookie classes & Walker's birthday
May 15th- Doctor's appointment follow up for thyroid & get together/ bday party with friends I havent seen since BEFORE CHRISTMAS DB
May 16th- Doctor's appointment check up
I think there might be a dentist appointment in there somewhere too 

May18th-28th - Spending time with my boyfriend in SC! <3 <3 <3

June 3rd- July7th - 1st Summer 5 week session [Calculus1] Mondays-Thursdays starting at noon
June 10-28- baby sitting my coach's dogs at her house while she's in Greece and Italy

I don't really have much planned for July yet... maybe move in to our new condo with my room mate! We'll see! Probably do some exciting stuff for my birthday maybe. Even with being busy this summer I still am going to try to find time to draw and work on my art as well. It's something I'll never get enough of!

Anyway, like I said, I'm super excited to get started and see if this is truly what I want to do. If so, I'll attend Texas A&M and study fire sciences to continue my career!

There are times when I feel so incredibly lost...

...I just don't know what to do.

All I have is art... all I've ever done is art...
and I've been dreaming for the longest time.


But today I woke up. I seriously thought about it and my dream job is literally, one of the hardest to even think about getting. For a long time I've wanted to work at Disney as a character designer or an animator or something. Today I came to terms that I could not possibly meet all of their standards. I'm not a super fantastic artist like so many other people. They have tons of options to choose from how could I ever catch their eye.

I'm transferring next semester and I haven't got any clue as to what I want to do with my life. I'm going to be a sophomore in college... and I don't know what I want to do. I'm usually the optimistic person in these situations, but lately, I just can't be. I'm so lost. Everyone around me knows where they are going in their future and I am the only one left who hasn't a single clue. I'm so scared that I'll never find the job that makes me happy. Sure I'd love to be a stay at home mom, but until that day comes I'd rather be able to provide for myself and significant other if that is the case. What if I can't?

I am clueless.
I am lost.
I am scared.

I'm just your average girl.